Chapter One

"...Queen Irissa... Queen Irissa! Evelyn's army is here!" Bibwit hare announces.

"Hatter! Save her! Protect my baby!" the Queen shouts frantically at me.

"But you are the Queen! I am to protect you!" I shout.

"Hatter. Hatter. Hatter!" the Queen Irissa's voice fades into a confusing voice. All at once, I realize the voice calling me is not Queen Irissa, but rather, Bibwit Hare. Bringing me back to the safe world of the current Wonderland. "Hatter, are you ok? We are in the plains. In my house. You are safe and sound."

I look around me. I am not in the palace of marble floors. I am not in the throne room. I am in a small hut with a red entrance door. I see that I am at Bibwit’s kitchen table, with Bibwit Hare.We are not at the Palace. All is safe. I choke back a tear of shame. "Sorry, Bibwit."

"It was the flash-back, wasn't it?"

I hate it how that happens. An ordinary conversation is constantly turning into the nightmare. I shake my head and reply, "...Yes. It was."

"It's ok now. We can't do anything about it.”

“I know,” I say, with a tear on my cheek. Why is he so understanding and kind?

“I have an idea. Let’s go visit Queen Irissa!” Bibwit Hare exclaims.

“No!”

“But hatter! The Queen—“

“I cannot! How can I face up to her after—?” I’m choking back another sob. After I let her down, I finish in my head.

“I know. It was hard for us all. You’ve taken it harder than most; Understandably so.” we sit quietly for a few moments, sipping tea. He wasn’t the one that let the Queen down. That lost her most precious possession. Bibwit's eyes brighten up. “I’m going to visit Rook.” No. Please don’t say it. Please don’t— “ You are coming with me this time.” –say it.

“Oh, Bibwit! Please, I’d much rather not visit anyone!”

“No. You don’t, I suppose. You would rather to be all by yourself, stuck in a house, and run out of food and friends, make your house depressed along with you, make us sad that you won’t see or speak to anyone, and—“

“OK! Ok. You got me. We will go to Rook’s house,” I say, giving in. How can I refuse when he puts it THAT way?!

We get up to leave and Hat notices. It flies up and places itself on my head. We walk out of the hut to take the short stroll to Rook’s house. I really do not want to go ANYWHERE! Rook will only remind me of THEN. That’s the last thing I want. The last thing I need. And yet here I am thinking about it. Hatter, focus on your surroundings! Ok, the song bird just flew past me, with its ever changing notes with every beat of its wings. Such happy and cheery notes. I wish that I could be as happy as that bird. But I know that I never could be. STOP, HATTER! I’ll go into the flash back again! Ok, ok. The sky is very blue. No clouds are insight. So clear. It’s got clear skies and a clear conscience. HATTER! Knock it OFF!!! Ugh, why? Why can’t I ever stop thinking about the tragic day? Oh, look. There are the trees. I do NOT want to pass by them. They tattle on feelings. Ugh. Unfortunately, we have no choice if we are to get to Rook’s house. Suck in my stomach, chest up, force a grin. I do not want those trees to tattle.

We finally walk past the trees. And we knock on the door. The trees are sighing. I turn around slowly. I hiss at them, “Shush, u! I’m trying to do my best!” They sigh even louder. “You Should be happy, you good fo' nu’in’, grass li’erin’, tall cry bay-be, stay-kin—“

“Hatter!” Bibwit hisses at me. “Fez— thank you. I’m fine.” I force a smile. I lost my accent, thanks to Bibwit. The ring around my eyes are fading back to normal again, I can feel it. Rook opens the door.

“Bibwit! Hatter! Come on in, I’m so glad to see you both!” Rook says, his words fading as new ones take root. “She has got to be here somewhere!” Rook says. Guts wrenching my insides. It’s hopeless. I don’t say a word. “Have you tried over here?”

“That is where I looked FIRST!” I shout. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look because no one was near me. Not in this ash ridden place! Oh. The scene before me fades out. Rook’s house takes form again. The tall arches. The door frame. The living room that is sighing and groaning. Why do all objects sigh around me? Except for Hat. It understands everything. It is never sad around me. I like my Hat. I keep it with me at all times. It protects me. Keeps me safe and fine. Fine… Oh, right. They don’t know that I’m ok. “I’m fine. Sorry.” I smile. Because Hat understands all.

“Has he been lapsing like this a lot lately?” Rook asks.

“’He’ is right here. Can you ask me those questions? I am a guest in your house, am I not?” I say. I know I’ve gone crazy. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t think for myself! --- well, I do see the irony of that. Crazy people? Thinking? Seriously? Yet here I am. Crazy, and still able to think and make my own choices and responses.

“I’m sorry, Hatter. Have you been having many lapses recently?” He redirects his question.

Pang crushes my heart. Why did I ask him to ask me, again? I hate it, hate talking about it… Why?

“um… They have never ceased…” I reply hesitantly. Why? Why? Why? I imagine myself banging my head against the wall… I almost do it, to! Maybe I really am insane! Maybe I am not fit to talk for myself after all…

I hear a swish from behind me. I turn to look behind me. The tall imposing door is swung open and a sweet smell comes floating in. My gut wrenches again. I know who it is that is coming in. I hear the whispering sighs of the trees. Tattle tales. They are telling all of their secrets to her. She talks to the trees. My heart begins to beat faster, as it always does when I know it is her. Then I hear and see the light step of her slender foot and ankle. I’m sure of it. I turn back around, putting my eyes back in my head. She deserves someone better than ME. There is no way I could ever be with her. I hear the swish of the door closing again. Her light steps make their way to me. Curse those trees!

“Hatter?” her voice is unmistakable. “What is wrong?”

“Is there something wrong?” I ask in a cheery voice. The fake voice. The one I use to pretend that everything is perfect. Completely perfect. Especially around her.

“Hatter…” she puts her hand on my shoulder, and I have no choice but to looker at her. “The trees are sighing and crying for you. They know that something is wrong. That you are unhappy. Please tell me what it is.” Her honey sweet voice is so soothing… but that’s what breaks my heart. I could never be her man.

“It’s nothing, I assure—“

“Hatter…”

“Lace. Please, don’t.” She puts her hand on my face, wiping away an unnoticed tear. I stand up. I can’t handle this. I— she doesn’t need this. She doesn’t need me. I turn to Rook. “Forgive me, but I have some things that I must tend to. Fair farren, Rook.” I turn back towards Lace. “Fair farren, Lace.” I strut out the door. As I pass the trees, I stick my tongue out at them. They begin to brown their leaves, boughs droop, and some leaves fall to the ground. They sense my anger toward them. Good. That’s what they get for making her feel sorry for me.

I’m wandering. Around. Hat is fidgety. “Sit still, will you?” It squirms more. With a sigh, I take Hat off. “Then YOU tell me where to go, you won’t let me tell YOU!” With an instant, Hat flies off. I don’t even know where n the world I was heading in the first place. Might as well follow Hat. Hat has always been better at directions, anyways. I keep my eyes and mind on where hat was going. Is Hat taking me back to Rook’s? No, Hat wouldn’t do that to me. It knows better than that. I’m lost. It’s that simple. I’m mad, so Hat is taking charge of me. Wait… I stop short. I see the house. Rook’s house. Why would Hat take me back? “What has gotten in to you, Hat? You know better than to bring me back to Lace!” Hat spins back and forth, it’s way of telling me no. No what? It didn’t take me back to Rook’s? Back to lace? I’m wrong? That’s not why it brought me here? Ahh… Why can’t Hat just be able to talk? Oh, right. Wondrlandian law: no object is allowed to speak to it’s masters. But I’m not Hat’s master… Hat is my friend! The very best of them! I shake my head in disgust. If only, if only.

I straighten up. “hat, can you write?” Hat does a flip in the air, Hat’s way of saying yes. Haha! A way around the law! “Write why you—“ I here rushed steps behind me, panting. I fall to my knees, losing all my strength. My clothes are dirty with ash. I am crying, sobbing. The armory is here. And I have failed the Queen…

“Hatter!” Bibwit cries.

“Gone…” I mutter… Still in disbelief.

“Hatter!” Bibwit cries again. Again? That’s not right… I look up. Ash dissipates. ARGH!!! It happened again. “Hatter! Are you ok?” Rook’s house is in front of me, behind Bibwit. Hat has replaced itself on my head. Another lapse. Another flash-back.
“No! I’m not ok! I’ve never been ok! You know this! Ever since… THAT day, I have not been ok! There is a REASON! Why I refused to go to Rook’s. There is a REASON! Why I refuse to see anyone but you!”

“Hatter, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not!” I shout. “ Can’t you see? I’m mad! Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?! Bibwit, I’m petrified! putrefied! Penny-nickel down! I’m scared.” I’m shaking, ring around my eyes going black again. I am mad. Insane. A lunatic. Maniac. Nothing has made sense since… Ooh, hoo hoo hoo! I made a silly sentence! Sense since! Heeheeheehee.
“Hatter?” Bibwit says, pulling me back into the moment. “How about we go into town?” I stop laughing abruptly. Town? Really? Where everyone is. Where all sees my madness. Where I used to be the life of the party and to Flatterwaggon. Really? “Hatter? Town? We can go to a restaurant to eat.” A restaurant?! This is actually one of the best things that I could have! “Hatter?”

“I would love town! A restaurant! Lets go!”